i am the querent
and the dealer

reversed means warning
upright means go
they land any way they land
and mean
whatever i haven’t got the nerve to make them

the tower turns up in a hand of five-card
and i laugh

i deal the fool face-up
it’s just my face

blackjack against the hanged man
i hit on nothing

the deck used to lie to me
and i miss the lie
a lie has an author
someone across the felt to blame

when it cheated me
at least it was doing the cheating
at least it wasn’t me

now the chair is empty
i sit down across from no one
deal two hands
lose the one i wanted
play both seats
and still can’t find
who did this to me

the draw is mine now
the loss is mine
a dealt hand used to be fate
now it’s a verdict i signed

my hands sweat
blurring the swords
the arcana goes soft
where my thumb keeps asking

i shuffle past the point of shuffling
riffle
bridge
riffle
a deck in motion hasn’t decided anything
the hand ends when i let it
so i don’t

a card in the air
belongs to no one
for one more second
it isn’t mine