everything keeps arriving
pre-grieved

i pack in the dark
i don't turn on the light
i know where everything goes

they say
this is growth

as if i haven't been splitting
my whole life
as if i haven't knelt where i landed
and said thank you
to be polite

i could learn this too
i have the muscle for it
i could walk a new hallway
hands out
and find the wall
before i find the switch

i always do

but i am done
being good at this

don't hand me back
the small bright thing
you pulled out of me
don't tell me
what this ache
is making of me

i don't want to be made

one season
that doesn't teach

where nothing needs converting
where the morning comes
and stays a morning
where i don't earn this
where i don't earn

and the day
wants nothing from me
but that i stay in it